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This was in response to someone who wanted to know something about flirtatious techniques for gaining some level
of increased closeness in working relationships. They also made it clear that harassment wasn't remotely the intention
they had in mind, and that they were concerned because some people with whom they were acquainted might be quick to call
any form of closeness in a working environment tantamount to harassment. The beginning of my response has been snipped
for brevity here on the site.
Here's a process I call the "space invader" technique. Sounds ominous, doesn't it? Well, I usually find a way to get a
laugh about it when I say it in person... so imagine me laughing when I say "the space invader technique!" And its
principally about invading someone's personal space in a VERY nonchalant nonthreatening way, for a very short period
of time, to test out the waters, making sure to withdraw out of that space, and test for comfort. If there are signs
of a little uncertainty when you're in that person's space, that's fine. Uncertainty is good -- you can work with
that one! If they're clearly uncomfortable, either they're really sensitive about their space, or, you went too far
or stayed there too long for "testing the waters!"
I mean, you wouldn't stand there with your feet in an ice-cold swimming pool for very long, would you? ;)
In the workplace and with co-workers -- be gentle and careful about this process. I am not suggesting anyone make
passes. Thats not what I mean! I also am not suggesting anyone invite harrassment grievances. Touching can seem
overt to some, can seem natural to others (and in some cases, with some people, unless you're touching their arm or
vice versa, its too impersonal!). I am suggesting you take some care to start with the very gentle and cycle into
more of the space-invasion/withdrawal process. By paying attention to this process, you can find out what other
people find comfortable, and push the envelope MINIMALLY, gradually, paying attention to the signals people give
you, and reach a point of maximal comfort -- beyond which lies diminished personal returns...
Whoops! I already let the cat out of the bag. It's a cycle! Invade, retreat... watch for comfort. Anchor it with
an expression, or a word, or a tonal marker like "ahhhh!" with a facial expression. Keep anchoring the comfort as
you invade/withdraw. If you keep this process up, with roughly the same amount of space-invasion, without continually
invading further, eventually you will notice no discomfort with the times you do jump into their space. You'll have
conditioned them to be more comfortable with those occasional maneuvers that don't lead anywhere more uncomfortable.
(and you'll have deepened that comfort anchor which comes in handy later).
Now. Let's say you've progressed to touching the side of their shoulder, or upper arm, or elbow, or lower arm when
you speak occasionally when you speak with them. I'll state also that you don't want that touch to be an anchor for
sudden discomfort, so don't touch, until you notice them being comfortable with your present level of closeness!
Let's say you're standing closer to them now. And they show signs of comfort! You can gently touch their arm now,
and fire off the "ahhh" anchor, with the expression that goes with it!
Bing! Usually, you'll get instant acceptance. But watch for the instant physiological signs; if they're not happy
about the touch, withdraw the touch and keep the anchor coming back a few times. They'll relax if you've set the
anchor well. If there's just the slightest bit of discomfort, lean your head back a little & smile to lessen the
invasion while you maintain the arm touch! It lessens the negative response and may help them enjoy the positive
responses to the touch. But again, some people don't want to be touched in some environments. Be aware of when
you've gone beyond acceptable boundaries and respect them.
This flirtation thing isn't necessarily about sexual passes. Its about how do you reach a closer level of intimacy
with another person! And I mean intimacy on any level, whether it be in a sales situation or a friendship, or on a
personal relationship level. Be kind to the other person, be reactive to and caretaking of their responses, and
you will just about always end up with positive results!
Best regards,
- Jonathan Altfeld (jonathan@altfeld.com)
There was a follow-up after the above post regarding how the Space Invader technique could be interpreted
as a power ploy, and a question (paraphrased here) as to whether or not I accounted for this kind of thing.
Good question, {name omitted>! And I don't proclaim to have all the answers, but perhaps as I
think to -how- I show people this when it does not feel like a power play -- the following comes to mind.
When you come at people from the front, it is often considered conFRONTational. When you stand side-side (180-degree
angle between you), or at somewhere between a 180- and 45-degree angle to someone, it is much more acceptable to be
closer and further within someone's personal space.
The other thing is whether you're leaning forward with your upper body or not, or perhaps even "laid back" as they
say... when you act laid back, it gives a very relaxed message to people, so generally speaking (knowing there are
exceptions), people will allow you closer into their personal space. At angles such as these, its almost as though
you're in "cahoots" together, i.e., you're sharing a view between the two of you. Its a nice place to be!
Another thing. In a real flirtation, its usually two-sided. So as I teach people what happens on their side of the
equation, often, not always, but often (especially when they're really friendly and laid-back) they'll discover that
the other person they're flirting with ends up joining in the dance...
Regards,
Jonathan Altfeld
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