Chat Log: NLP & Amplifying Your Allure
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IRC Chat Log, January 10, 1999
| Jonathan | I'm glad I was able to get you ALL-LURED in here! A bunch of people asked me to do a chat on shyness, and I immediately thought, YUK! Why would I want to talk about shyness! But since when you ask shy people what they want, what do they often say?
| Dluzi | Nothing?
| sunev | "Whatever you want."
| Tranzpupy | "I don't want to be shy."
| Fullstop | "To stop being shy."
| Gunny` | "To be able to live life to the fullest without this disease"
| Dluzi | Dis ease?
| PaulS | "To lose fear of others' disapproval"
| Androver | "To laugh, to learn, to live, to love. To absolutely love my own personality."
| Jonathan | The 1st thing we might wanna do, right off the bat, if we wanna be more alluring... more charismatic... more dynamic... is to adjust our goals/outcomes. Instead of wanting to "stop" doing something, or be LESS something else -- frame it more positively. Decide what you want MORE of. Decide what you want to DO more of or better, etc. Even if youre often motivated more by what you don't want, be clear 1st about what you DO want! So let's take the answers you might hear -- that you offered above -- and frame 'em better! | "Dont want to be Shy?" Androver | I, personally, like things that don't at all remind you of what you want to get away from.
| PaulS | Self-Acceptance
| PaulS | Enjoy all people. That makes the identity free from others' approval.
| Wendi | I like that one -- not needing the approval.
| Jonathan | Not needing the approval, Wendi? What do you need, then?
| Wendi | Hmmmm, I need to know that I am OK even if others reject me; that would apply mostly to m/f relationships.
| Jonathan | So, there are all kinds of responses here which come up associated with shyness. Looks like a rat's nest of personal bullshit to me. :)
| PaulS | LOL
| Jonathan | No, really, what if NONE of this stuff were relevant anymore because everything went so much more smoooooothly for you with other people? Do you think you'd have all kinds of other secondary problems associated with "SHYNESS" if you were simply more dynamic with people? Hm?
| Androver | What kinds of secondary problems?
| Jonathan | I've got amnesia for them, Androver, I can't remember!
| PaulS | There would be none.
| IntriKate | Oh, I like dynamic!
| DarkF | If people respond better to you it builds confidence.
| Jonathan | Or might all those other things, like "low self-esteem," and boring or unsuccessful relationships all become a drastically reduced set of issues, if not completely irrelevant?
| TheFool | More dynamic with other people but not with yourself.. will get you back to point 0.. again..
| Androver | Yeah, yeah, thefool has quite a point there. You still have to like yourself. =)
| TheFool | They don't call me thefool for nothing! The mystical cycle of shyness for attention... you get more... you get more... you get more... etc...
| PaulS | You couldn't be more dynamic with others, if not first with yourself.
| Jonathan | Ahhh thefool. Maybe thats a good starting point, maybe not. A lot of the self-help books and metaphysics materials talk about "learning to love the self again." Well, you can do that through NLP or Hypnosis, etc., or a variety of things. There's certainly a lot out there to help with that.
| Androver | In my experience, seems like shy people are looking for something deeper than just regular interaction with people. so it's more than just being "dynamic with people," it's knowing what you want, too, and being able to really show who you are when you're with others.
| Jonathan | Androver, I'd agree! Neat point. If we wanted to live more grand lives & enjoy more rewarding communication with others, then what if... what if... what if we were to just go out and try some techniques that would shift people's responses to ourselves nonverbally? Each person who had a shyness thing may do it differently, right? Not everyone experiences the same kinds of responses/behaviors.
| PaulS | Cool concept
| TheFool | True point Jonathan, sometimes rearranging your environment will rearrange your innerlife.
| Androver | Jonathan: So the interaction would be increased and there would be more of a bond...?
| Jonathan | What if each person who'd been shy in the past were to calibrate exactly where & how they held back or were unable to extend to other people, in the past. Most people I've met who were shy, had tons of internal dialogue that said things like "what if they don't like me?" Or "what if I do something bone-headed?" bla bla bla bla bla! What if they did? What if they did something really cool, and people liked it? Could they handle that? They start planning for disappointment, don't they?
| ScottG | Shy people look to get something, but they are scared to try because they think about all the bad things that could happen to them - this puts them off trying altogether
| TheFool | Jonathan, we call that "being defenseless," dropping all those kind of questions.
| Androver | Yeah. It's like they're living in anticipation of one potential pessimistic future instead of living for the moment.
| TheFool | Exactly, Androver.
| PaulS | But, say they shift people's responses towards them, and can't handle the bond they've created?
| IntriKate | It could be present tense "I don't belong here" "I don't know these people"
| Jonathan | To me, its about being willing & able to extend to other people in a way that gets attention, entrains attention, builds response-potential, and develops a desire in other people to know more, to be around you more, and to be connected with you in a way that you would find yourselves enjoying how other people reflect your strong attractiveness!
| TheFool | Like in the big seminars: you've got a question but you wait until someone else asks it, because you aren't sure if that question has any value... thereby denigrating yourself.
| Androver | It's really overanalyzing every little action.
| ScottG | "I don't know these people" - a shy person thinks "therefore they don't want to know me" - a confident person thinks "therefore I'd better show them who I am!"
| Androver | You think, "I really want to do this," but then your mind starts running through all the possible outcomes, and it invariably focuses in on the bad.
| Gunny` | It's not always every single moment being shy, I would say only certain situations, as in public speaking.
| Jonathan | Yes, Gunny, since all behaviors are contextuall dependent, there are often specific situations in which people become either shy or dynamic.
| IntriKate | What things do we do to be dynamic and attractive, Jonathan?
| Jonathan | Kate: Nonverbal pacing & leading is a GREAT way, because it lets people concentrate on the techniques and responses, and less on their internal dialogue! Shyness isn't relevant, when they're figuring out how to synchronize their breathing well & easily. Gives them an active task to accomplish.
| Wendi | I know a man who has a belief that people just like him, they always like him. It was such a cool belief that I decdided to try it on
| Jonathan | Ahhh Wendi -- I like that!!
| PaulS | Wendi, that is cool. Jonathan: the part about how "enjoying how other people reflect your attractiveness." Can you explain?
| Jonathan | Sure Paul! And keep in mind -- this may not apply to all shy people -- or even most. How do you think some people became shy in the 1st place? Any ideas?
| TheFool | Self-devaluating, focus on bad outcomes...
| sunev | Some people are shy about different things
| Jonathan | And rather than focus on this for a while, I think sometimes shy behavior is a withdrawal from extending to others, because at some certain points in the past they learned that that was safer, and free of risk or disapproval. OK. Shifting gears FAST -- from the less-than FUN topics, WHAT IF people devaluated themselves IN THE PAST because other people offered judgement calls that people somehow took too seriously. So -- maybe they allowed themselves to be trained to be shy in the past, because they put too much stock in other people's invalid judgement calls?
| TheFool | Jonathan, usually shyness is a learned thing, not something you are born with
| Tranzpupy | Why are we talking about "why?" Kathleen brought up that we can be alluring even if we are shy...
| Jonathan | That's one EASY way to get people to become more dynamic & less shy over time!
| ScottG | I find that I'm often atttracted to shy people becausee they look lonely
| Jonathan | WHAT IF people devaluated themselves IN THE PAST because other people offered judgement calls that people somehow took too seriously. So -- maybe they allowed themselves to be trained to be shy in the past, because they put too much stock in other people's invalid judgement calls?" Thefool had answered and said "shyness was learned." Tranzpupy asked "why are we talking about why? And I mentioned why (in some cases). Why not look at it differently! Instead of it being a character trait -- its a learned behavior. Shift logical levels on it.
| Gunny | I would say we are talking about why because before you can fix your error(s) you have to find out why you have them
| TheFool | Once it's learned, it inevitably reinforces itself.. like any other belief.
| NightSoul | Uh oh, that's a less-than-useful belief!
| NLPSGI | Get the 2x4...
| Jonathan | Now, let's go in a different direction, towards being alluring! Do you know anyone who's ALLURING?
| Gunny | What is alluring, exactly?
| ScottG | I find that I'm often attracted to shy people because they look lonely; that's Shyness being Alluring.
| Jonathan | Being alluring to other people is about charisma... a magnetic personality... behavior that invites curiosity and intrigue and desire and wanton motivation to find out more about you!
| Wendi | Being passionate is alluring. Passionate about anything.
| Jonathan | Passionate about anything is a GOOD one indeed, Wendi!
| Wendi | I think if you are passionate about life, others want to be near you and feel it as well.
| Gunny | So making the honey's want you, and want you bad, huh?
| DarkF | Being congruent.
| ScottG | Passionate is only alluring if someone finds it to be alluring I imagine.
| Jonathan | Scott! Choose someone you know is REALLY passionate about something, and they share how passionate they are about it with you! And then try to tell me you find them boring when they talk about it!
| NLPSGI | Passion ate. yum!
| ScottG | Yeah, it's what you are going to be passionate about, though; it has to be a mutual thing.
| Wendi | I think charisma is passion. Enthusiasm, perhaps. Because you really believe in what you are doing, it still could be alluring!
| Jonathan | You may not like or agree with them, but passionate behavior and thoughts is never boring!
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