Changing beliefs/values/metaprog's to choose better partners

[jaltfeld]

I originally wrote this on another forum, in a discussion about how/why people choose less-optimal mates/partners. I've cleaned it up a little and am posting it here for your benefit & further discussion.

Many people choose ''exactly the wrong type of people'' for partners/mates/spouses, especially in their earlier years. In other words, some women in their earlier years might say they want a nice guy, but what attracts them are the ''bad boys,'' who are rarely the kind of men with whom they can have a long-term, evolving, growing, intimate and supportive relationship. Often these relationships are tumultuous, end early, and after ending one relationship, both people will then seek out another of the same kind of person with whom to have another similar relationship.

When flipping genders, some genuinely nice men continue to date women that treat them badly, so that they can engage in ''the chase'' on an ongoing basis, rather than settle down with someone who accepts them, invites them in willingly, and supports them in friendly ways.

Both genders are guilty of all manner and range of behaviors, good and not-so-good.

Just as the number of cliched relationship patterns we can all list, is long.

Not all relationships that end, end due to these cliches; some end for natural reasons as people grow/age differently.

But those more cliched patterns, which crop up often enough amongst NLP students and clients, while those patterns often last more than one relationship long, don't usually last a lifetime.

Eventually people hit a threshold (everyone operates according to thresholds). Someone reaches "the straw that broke the camel's back." One bad boy too many. One X too many. One Y too many. Enough is enough. etc.

My experience has been that its our metaprograms and values and beliefs (not to mention certain chemical reactions) that drive people to continually reproduce old scenarios even when they aren't best for us. In other words, we're habitual beings.

However, once values and metaprograms and beliefs change dramatically, that enables significant change in behavioral patterns. Usually automatically.

For most people, it takes major events or trauma (dramatic positive or negative experiences) to re-shuffle our metaprograms and values and beliefs. So I don't usually expect people to change until something major occurs in their life.

(e.g. I practically felt all my values and beliefs changing inside my head the moment my first daughter was born -- I still remember these "extreme" moments so vividly).

However, I think it can be done in less dramatic circumstances as well, gently, so to speak. After all, that's what a lot of people turn to NLP for. Intentional change at a deep level.

Changing all 3 areas (values, beliefs, and metaprograms) at once, though, I think would be unlikely, and even if possible, highly unecological/unstable.

I.e., you can change your values by using your existing metaprograms.

You can change your metaprograms by finding ways to have different behaviors (at other ends of metaprogram scales) satisfy your existing values.

And the same is true of beliefs. You can change your beliefs by finding other ways to satisfy existing values, or by using your preferred metaprograms to explore alternative beliefs.

You can change your metaprograms if your beliefs will continue to be supported by the new metaprogrammed behaviors.

And you can change your values by looking at and choosing to deeply appreciate other benefits you receive with your existing behaviors (that you did initially to support the old values).

I realize I may be using these terms differently than you might -- but I also assure you that I am crystal clear on what I mean by values, beliefs, and metaprograms: by beliefs, I use my Knowledge Engineering (KE) -preferred definition of 3-part normalized belief structures (IF-THEN-MEANS) that represent deep-structure choice points in our minds.

Your thoughts on this topic either in general or in terms of what you've changed on your own, or want to change, would be welcomed.

[MogvGB]

It has certainly been my experience that changing values/beliefs/metaprograms has had a profound impact on the relationships I have formed… Most notably in the happy finctionality of my current relationship.

I am tempted to just credit my husband with being a perfect guy and different to my usual ‘type’- but if I stick in some polarising lenses to cut down the rose-tinted shine I can see he has a LOT of deep/large/profound characteristics in common with my usual (cataclysimcally unsuitable) type. He is extremely intelligent, somehwat arrogant has a wicked twisted sense of humor, a voracious appetitie for books and learning and a tendency towards addictive behaviours; he is rather discosciated, highly auditory, has a high yellow meme through which he does much of his living.

Where my past relationships with this ‘type’ have crashed dramatically – this one is flourishing. What’s the difference that is making the difference?

Well, there are actually many. He is much more complex than a simplified ‘type’ and his values/beliefs/metaprograms are significantly different to others of his ‘type’ I have known (who in turn also vary greatly amongst themselves)-and he has of course had significantly different life experiences from which he draws reference. So even in the beginning when I sallied forth waving my own old patterns like a flag I found I got some new results. Some of which stunned me. I didn’t know these responses were an option! Hmmmm some new data to process.

I also found that my usual patterns of behaviour – my strategies for dealing common occurances in interactions with other people were yielding results that were not all that pleasant, and more unpleasant still in their reminiscence of bad relationships long in their grave. A bit at a time and with many a slip and stumble I started deliberately experiementing with handling recurring situations in different ways and NOTING the results. When I found a change that got a more pleasant result, and that felt fine to do I incorporated it as new behaviour in the context. Sometimes this has meant a deliberate effort to switch meta-programs so that my head-space is compatible with the behavioural choice that keeps things ticking along nicely.

Sometimes I will come up with a new option which works great but just doesn’t sit right with me, even with a meta-program shift… maybe I am stuck on the ‘principal’ of a point or , well no it’s usually that! At these times I have been able to reframe my take on things so that being in the right, being righteous, being triumphant or winning the point etc loses ground to being a happy contented person in a happy contentment filled relationship.
While I probably didn’t think of it in such terms at the time this is undoubtedly the adjustment of values – and in order to convincly do that I have also adjusted many of my beliefs – beliefs that generally caused limitation, disatisfaction, resentment or self righteousness and which didn’t seem to contribute much to me of value beyond a point about which to feel rabidly righteous.

Lest it sound as though I am casting off my personality to becoming a mere reflection of my partner let me assure you that my deepst my dearly held values are utterly respected, and shared (indeed understood more fully now that I am able to discuss them) – this has given me confidence as I have never had before to be myself at a much more honest level, and so much more congruently than ever before. So much of what I have given up was just componants of the personas I used for coping in situatuions where I felt that to be myself was to fail.

My test these days for whether I am congruently being ‘myself’ is the degree to which I am comfortable, relaxed and content - and I love coming home to my husband because kicking off all the extra stuff I still cart about for dealing with the rest of the world is like kicking off a pair of formal work shoes, pulling off my socks and finally getting my feet bare and free to wiggle. Whatever changes I have made for this relationship, they are working for me as an individual, not at the expense of of my individual self.

With a base of confidence like this I have begun to explore aspects of my self that I previously lacked the confidence to examine, much less take out for a spin.This exploration has allowed me to try on still more new beliefs, and to find what I like… and more and more I am finding that I quite like the ‘new me’ – even as she changes day to day.

[jaltfeld]

Hi Mog!

Thank you for sharing all that! What I celebrate the most about your post is the extent to which you've actually thought out how your metaprograms interact, match, and potentially conflict with those of your husband. Personally I think this is a recipe for success, because you can only do that well when you can take all 3 perceptual positions in weighing all the myriad considerations.

1st position = "from our own eyes"
2nd position = "from the other person's eyes"
3rd position = "from the dissociated observer's position"

Considering and weighing all perspectives equally allows us to exit the blame game/frame, and evaluate conflicts as a natural occurrence between difference points of view and values and behavioral tendencies. When we do this, and I mean -- do it really well -- then it's so much easier to manage conflict without escalation, understand our partners, and either contribute effectively to solutions, or accept the absence of one.

[bwoodson]

This may be a little tangential to this thread, but i don't really think so . . .

Having been married for two months shy of a year now, I realize that what is attractive in a relationship, isn't exactly always what works in a marriage. The other day I was thinking that looking for 'characteristics' of other people is the wrong way to go about things. Characteristics are great when you think about people as separate from you, but when you're in a relationship, people aren't separate from you.

In a relationship, you don't look at your counterparts, rather you move with them. some of what is important in a relationship is each person's ability to see the other person as an individual, and figure out where you two fit together. Even more important than that, is the deliberate and conscious (if it's not already ingrained) need (not just want) to figure out how to identify the squeaky wheels and fix them.

When I started thinking this, I was pitying people who look for 'smart', 'intelligent', etc people. They're (well, "we're" if you'll allow me to not be humble) a dime a dozen. I think i boiled this 'characteristic' down to:

What really counts in a relationship are people who are willing to have difficult conversations where you don't put the relationship at stake.

My small hope is that you nod your head in agreement, and find this useful. My large hope is that you help me verbalize some 'characteristics' of successful relaters (as in relationships, not just business) so I can tell the lonely people what to look for and develop (not in that order).
Byron